How To Stop People Pleasing In Your Relationship
What Is People Pleasing?
People-pleasing is the act of prioritizing the needs, desires, and opinions of others above your own, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness and well-being.
This can be as simple as saying "yes" to something you don’t have the capacity for or nodding along to opinions that don't actually resonate, or can be more complex such as suppressing your own emotions in order to avoid conflict and keep the peace.
People Pleasing In Relationships
Making sacrifices and showing up for your partner even when it isn’t the easiest thing to do at times is an essential part of any healthy relationship.
It's natural for there to be times where your partner needs your support or you need their support even though it's inconvenient or not what you would prefer to be doing. So how can you tell the difference between being a people pleaser and simply being a supportive partner?
One key difference between healthy sacrifice and pleasing people is that healthy sacrifices occur within the context of a balanced relationship and are not the everyday norm. Instead, they are occasional actions you take because you value your partner's happiness and want to contribute to the relationship's growth and well-being. These sacrifices are also often talked about beforehand and made together.
On the other hand, people pleasing is an ongoing pattern that goes beyond the occasional give-and-take. It’s typically rooted in a fear of rejection or conflict and often comes at an emotional cost such as a loss of individuality and feeling drained, resentful, or even detached.
Am I a People Pleaser?
You may be a people-pleaser in your relationship if you…
Are constantly saying yes to your partners preferences and desires even if they contradict what you want
Frequently find yourself hiding your true feelings or opinions to avoid conflict
Take on more responsibilities than you can handle to please your partner
Allow your partner to cross your personal boundaries without asserting your limits
Often put your own needs and wants on the backburner to prioritize your partners wants
Say sorry excessively, even when it’s not your fault, to maintain peace
Are frequently changing your plans to accommodate your partners
Constantly worry that if you say no to your partner they might want to abandon the relationship
Find it really hard to say no or deny requests or favors from your partner even when it’s inconvenient for you
How To Stop People Pleasing
If you find yourself constantly saying yes to your partner and neglecting your own needs, here are a few tips to start prioritizing yourself and break the people-pleasing cycle!
1) Reflect On Your Intentions
Genuine gestures of support are essential in healthy relationships, but they must come from a place of authenticity, not fear. Before committing to something, ask yourself WHY you are committing to it. Is it something that excites or interests you? Is it because you genuinely want to support your partner and contribute to the relationships well-being? Or is it because you're worried how they might react if you say no? Challenge yourself to act from a place of authenticity rather than out of need for validation.
2) Identify Your Wants, Needs, and Priorities
Often, people-pleasers get so wrapped up in catering to others that they lose sight of what truly matters to them. Take time to reflect on your own desires – what makes you happy, what aligns with your values, and what you need to feel fulfilled. Write them down so you are clear on them and have a tangible reminder to come back to. Once you become aware of your own needs, it will be easier to create a balance between supporting your partner and maintaining your own identity.
3) Set Boundaries & Limits
As cliche as it may be, remind yourself that it’s okay to say "no" when something doesn't resonate with you or align with your schedule. Boundaries are a sign of self-respect and indicate where your limits lie. Communicate them openly with your partner, and remember that healthy relationships respect these limits.
4) Delay Your Response
When your partner asks for a favor or has a request, let them know that you need some time to think about it first. This delay allows you to evaluate whether you have the capacity for what they are asking and whether the decision aligns with your own needs and priorities, rather than just catering to their wishes.
5) Start Small
If going against your partner’s desires or saying “no” to their requests feels overwhelming, start small by first asserting your preferences in minor situations. For example, if you're deciding where to eat, express your choice rather than deferring to your partner. As you build confidence in advocating for your own desires, gradually apply this approach to more significant decisions. Each small step adds up and will create a sense of empowerment that makes it easier to continue advocating for yourself in the future.
Therapy In Kansas and Missouri
For additional support breaking free from people pleasing in your relationship, schedule your free consultation today by calling 913.735.9226 or emailing me at shannon@newnarrativetherapy.org
